


Pursuing Inevitable Heartbreak

by moovelope



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-02 13:37:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2813906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moovelope/pseuds/moovelope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone thinks that there's something between the Doctor and Clara.  She wonders if there ever should be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pursuing Inevitable Heartbreak

Before the pocket universe and the trapped time traveler and the monsters, Emma had asked her if she and the Doctor were, well, just were. And, no. Clara hadn’t thought about that. Certainly it was enough keeping up with him to begin with. At times she wondered if she was exactly cut out for all of this time travel. The TARDIS’s frequent dismissals didn’t help with that attitude. She’d seen a man ripped to pieces, felt the breath of a ghost flitter down her neck, stood before a vengeful sun and sacrificed a memory of her mother. Sometimes she was still reeling from something that had happened days (days? Months? Who knew) before.

Sometimes the Doctor helped with this feeling, quickly distracted her by grabbing her hand and pulling her out of her thoughts. He was great fun to be around most times, he could barge into any situation and take control of it instantly, never batting an eye or letting things get in his way. She admired that.

Yet other times, other times she was left reeling not from the things she saw but what she saw in the Doctor. Here was a man who could examine a corpse just as he’d examine his screwdriver, a man who could watch the passing of the Earth and not even blink an eye. It, how could she put it, it unsettled her at times. The Doctor lived an unanchored life, jumping into situations like he owned them even though he never laid claim to anything. As she and the Doctor stood at the grave of the Earth, she stared across the desert plains and far off ruins and _felt_. The Doctor only giddily donned his spacesuit and took pictures, like he was just some passing tourist enjoying the view. Now that she thought about it, that’s exactly what he was.

But she, she belonged on this Earth, somewhere in time. It was where she was born, it was where she would die. And god, she existed somewhere on this planet, bones and dust underneath the soil, just like millions of others who passed on. Here she was breathing and living, and there she was long forgotten and still. How could the Doctor just handle flitting through time and space untethered, getting to know someone when they are alive, and yet knowing that they have both not been born yet and are long dead? People were just ghosts to him, fleeting things that spend more time in his memory than he spends with them. And that scared her somewhat, made her scared for the Doctor and for herself, because if she’s just a ghost than what is the point of her traveling with this madman?

She respected the Doctor, of course. He was as brilliant as he was mad and was capable of so much _good_. She liked him, certainly. He had a wonderful sense of humor and he cared for her as well. But anything past that? She’s not sure if she could, or if she would want to. The Doctor was far more than the average man, and far harder to hold on to. She wasn’t too psyched about pursuing inevitable heartbreak.

So sometimes she thought about leaving. Quitting the adventuring, the space travel, the TARDIS (no love lost there) and the Doctor. The once a week trips were amazing, the danger they got into even more so and the Doctor always had her home in time for tea. But Clara wasn’t a fool; she knew just what the future had in store for her if she kept this up.

Problem #1: Once a week wouldn’t cut it for long. As much as she adored the kids and really wanted to help their father out, she wanted more. She'd had tastes of new worlds and cultures, and spending time with the Doctor was becoming addictive. She would day dream of where she'd go next more than she focused on the 'real world'. Or at least the sane world. Soon she would be tempted to convince the Doctor to let her stay for longer, more adventures, and return less and less to her home on Earth. She no longer felt grounded, she wanted to dive in head first to whatever the Doctor had to offer her.

Problem #2: The Doctor himself. Half the time she got so frustrated with him she couldn’t stand it. And the other half... The other half she spent reminding herself that she _could not stay_. Whatever stray and errant thoughts (that may or may not have existed, nothing for sure) she had about the Doctor were shut down immediately. She would not let herself imagine what...that, whatever it might be, entailed. The Doctor was uncertainty personified, he never quite knew where or when he'd arrive somewhere, wasn’t attached to anything except his big blue box and a passing fancy with Earth and whenever she tried to pin him down to anything he got cagey. Tomorrow wasn’t a guarantee with him, let alone forev- awhile. To have...feelings for him would have been disastrous in the long run, anyway one figured it. So Clara resolutely did not feel anything about it.

Except, of course, during those moments when he looked at her and all he saw was _her_ , his brain wasn’t whizzing off on a million different tracks at once and all he could focus on was her. And then he smiled that mad grin of his and thanked her, or complimented her on a job well done. And that was a little overwhelming at times, which was what she blamed the butterflies on. He even called her his 'impossible girl'. She'd been average her whole life, as far as she was aware, and for her to be unfathomable to a genius Time Lord? Well, it certainly stroked one's ego. She found that she wanted to push even farther, impress him even more, go from impossible to incredible in his eyes. She wanted to prove herself to the Doctor, prove that she was worthy of traveling with him, of staying. And perhaps that was a bit dangerous.

And lastly, problem #3: The danger. One day her luck wouldn’t hold and she would get hurt or killed. Plain and simple. She knew the Doctor tried his hardest to prevent anything serious but the odds weren’t in her favor. And if she wanted more time with the Doctor all while pushing harder to impress him, her time would come far quicker.

So she ignored the jokes the kids made about 'her boyfriend', she tried not to focus too hard on how her blood sang when she traveled in the TARDIS, heart thrumming in time with the vortex. She also did not seriously contemplate a relationship with the Doctor. For if she did, there'd be no turning back.

But in the end it was unavoidable. It happened when the Doctor was dropping her off another Wednesday evening among dozens of Wednesday's. They had gone to the beach, rescued a lost civilization of crab people and were only shot at twice. Clara bid the Doctor goodnight and went to give him a quick hug goodbye, no different from any other hug—

Except, his arms tightened around her just so, and his nose brushed against her cheek and his face nestled in perfectly against her neck and he whispered "sweet dreams". Clara found she didn't want to let go. She wanted to stay right there, in the TARDIS and never leave the familiar hum of machinery and soft blue glow of the lights.

But let go she did, and she smiled at him as though nothing was different and hopped out of the TARDIS. She waved at the blue box and fetched her keys for the door, still smiling. She was fine until the sounds of the TARDIS faded away and her legs nearly buckled on the steps, nerves hitting her like a tonne of bricks as she near collapsed on her way to bed.

‘You've fallen in love with him,’ she thought, face buried among her pillows. ‘Why'd you go and do a stupid thing like that?’ The thought made her laugh gently, until her breath hitched. She wiped the tears from her eyes, still smiling. Oh, whatever happened between the two of them now was going to hurt, one way or another. But she was going to love every minute of it.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written before the seventh season's finale, where we were still trying to nail down Clara's character. So this was mostly introspection, trying to see if I could ship 11/Clara.


End file.
